I had no intention of posting today but I have realized lately that blogging has become so structured for me that I am barely doing what I started the blog to do! Lifestyle is more than pretty pictures; it is about getting real. So today’s post is meant to be a breath of fresh air, honest & from my heart.
It has been a while since I have been single. There was a little time last year when I rekindled with a former love but that didn’t last. I officially became celibate in 2013 after I returned from my conference in Grand Cayman. I was celibate for about 2 years prior to that situation & I have been celibate again since May 2016 (I know TMI).
My decision to be celibate was in my best interest because I had found myself investing time in men who had no desire to go any further with me than being a long term girlfriend or a f*@k buddy with a title. I had been with 3 men who chose to marry other women (who they dated for less time) after being in a relationship with me for 4, 3 & 2 years respectively.
That made me feel like shit….I spent 9 years of my life spent hoping to gain my “Mrs. degree” & find my happily ever after. Technically, 11 years because Mr. 4 years got 2 years of a faux relationship *rolls eyes*.
Celibacy, especially, taught me how to appreciate conversations with the opposite sex & how to identify the kind of man I want to invest in. The truth is a good girl & a good guy will not always be a good match. For example, my 2 year faux relationship evoked so much self loathing that I lost my identity & ability to love myself. One day I sat before my mirror crying because I thought I was too dark & fat & that he would never love me… I know I know I sound stupid as hell in retrospective but I was in a bad head-space because I was investing time in someone who refused to love me the way I wanted & deserved to be loved.
Being single & celibate lead me to find my happiness. Both allowed me to look within & fix what was causing me to be sad. I am nowhere near perfect or fully in control but it allowed me to become more spiritual, passionate and more adventurous. I missed a lot of life in those 11 years. I spent my 20’s “tied down” instead of living.
I found happiness I never knew existed thanks to singledom & celibacy and not the happiness that you fake to keep your friends & family at bay but real happiness. Being single & celibate forced me to find happiness inside.
When I am ready I know that I will find my life partner because I am in an emotional space where I will be able to accept his love & give him love. Until then I will continue to be Single. Celibate. Happy.
Cheers to the lovers & single people